What If?

Image by cathline dickens.

Sofia was gazing at the clouds from the window of the airplane and cherishing her near-perfect life. A husband who loved her, kind in-laws and a nice home with a garden; everything she had dreamt of was finally hers.

As the plane descended towards the city and the tiny buildings grew larger, something unusual caught her eye. She saw a house on fire, with black smoke billowing towards the sky, and felt a chill run through her spine. It had just been half a year since her wedding. The fear of unpredictability and uncertainty still existed and she wondered what would happen if her life hit disequilibrium, if her happiness was inflated to its limit and it burst. It was the fear of the unknown, this unknown element that may enter her life and burn it like the charred house. She hugged Joe and stared into his eyes, finding reassurance within them.

They were returning to California after a sojourn in Goa at Sofia’s childhood home. Joe had recently been promoted in his company and a greater workload was expected.

They reached home shortly after midnight, both exhausted. Sofia still chose to unpack some items before sleeping, finding reassurance in her familiar belongings around her. The last thing she saw before she slept was her bedside lamp. This square-base metal lamp was special to her as it had been at her bedside since she was a young girl. But it was as fresh and shiny as it was on the day when her father brought it as a present. Nothing about it had changed.

***

Three months passed, but now Sofia was no longer happy. Joe didn’t talk to her much or take her anywhere; he started traveling a lot, and rarely stayed at their home. The earlier fear had wormed its way slowly but surely into her brain and she had started talking to herself out of loneliness, looking at the dusty bed lamp. It wasn’t shiny anymore; Sofia wasn’t taking care of it or anything else these days. Her life had become as still as that lamp now. She was okay with it, she knew that he was working for the post of Vice President and as soon as he became one, everything would be alright.

He consumed alcohol moderately earlier, but now after the magnified stress he had become somewhat of an addict. His daily drinking was affecting their relationship. She started suspecting that Joe was seeing someone else and his behavior wasn’t solely because of work. She knew that there was something else, someone else. The fear was now engulfing her.

She had to talk to him about this, but ironically the fear which planted the initial idea wouldn’t allow her do this. She wondered whether he was just busy and she was being foolish in suspecting him. But one day, she braved the fear and asked what the problem was; Joe’s flippant response increased her suspicion. She asked the question repeatedly and he confessed.

There was something else, someone else. A heated discussion followed and consequently Sofia faced the punishment of the ringmaster for the first time in her life. Joe hit her. They couldn’t believe what had happened. Both of them stood still, he stared at her while she fixed her eyes on the floor where her tears fell. This silenced the poor woman – she became submissive. But the man changed as well.

His alcoholism was constantly present; he tortured her, physically and mentally. Imagine the fear we have for a second when we are threatened -every second of Sofia’s life was now like this. Joe was the demon who was destroying her perfect life; the one who was the most important part of her dream was still one, but it wasn’t a dream anymore, it was a nightmare. The fears were chaining her. The wedding ring held her to this relationship. It belonged to the ringmaster. Poor Sofia was ringed with the ordeals she was mastered by.

The fear completely took over. She thought that leaving him wasn’t a solution, what would she do all alone in this foreign land. Going back to India was not an option as he had her passport and wouldn’t give her access to their bank account. Sofia didn’t contact the police hoping that he would understand some day. She feared that no one would accept her and ultimately he would come back and torture her even more. The fear of the society and the man himself kept her silent.

It had now been four months of torture for Sofia. She sat there looking at the lamp, when Joe came into the room. The tamed animal stood straight on the sight of the master. He threw her to the bed, held her hands to it and started forcing himself on her. She struggled but lost. Thinking that she had lost all energy, Joe released her hands. When you’re afraid, there are two options – fight or flight. But she had just one – to fight. In a moment, she picked up the lamp and hit him in the head, just above his ear. The edges of the square metal base hurt him badly, he fell on the other side of the bed, profusely bleeding.

Sofia couldn’t believe what she had done. The fear of the man had vanished, now she feared no one but herself. The lamp had broken.

She was left with two options this time – flight or flight. She could runway back to India, she could report the police or she could end it all in a single act.

No one would believe her story, they would condemn and persecute her, she was fearful of her own home now. She wasn’t sure of what others would do to her. She did not know. The fear had earlier engulfed her heart, but now her mind sank in its swamp. Fully drowned, she saw her marriage bed- one day she had imagined roses on it, but it was a different red she saw today. Fear was the price of her imagination. Sofia’s dreams had vanished, and now so would her nightmare. She went to the bathroom, took the blade and performed her final act.

© Keshav Sharma

(B. Com. Programme 1st Year)